Infinite Lucy

This has been the most emotionally and physically exhausting week of my life. I don’t think I’ve cried so much in my life. Actually, I don’t think I’ve cried so much in just a week. This is actually the first time I’ve been able to write from a place outside of myself and not get emotional. I have been a wide range of emotions this week. I’ve been confused, angry, happy… My brain has been all over the place.

Over the past 19 years, I’ve learned a lot of lessons, and I think the most important lesson I’ve learned so far is that you can’t trust just anyone. Everyone is indeed not your friend, and if you thought they were your friend, they are not. You need to move on and let go. What’s funny is I had the first two sentences of this paragraph typed up and ready to go on a different blog I was gonna post on my birthday, but that all went out the window as my world turned upside down. My brain had to rewire. It had to figure out how to make sense of what was happening, and no matter how hard my brain was churning, and its gears were turning, I really just couldn’t handle it.

Here’s what happened:

On my 19th birthday, a friend of mine texted and told me that someone had been trying to reach out to me. I knew exactly who it was, and I instantly felt sick. I have been waiting for this day for two-and-a-half years, and now it’s finally here. I swear I blacked out. Thoughts were coming at me a mile a minute. What do they want? Did they reach out just to mock me or make fun of me? I launched straight into an anxiety attack. I really wanted to talk to them, but I didn’t have anything to say. What do I say? I looked at the text from my friend for what felt like eternity. Hyperventilating and crying, I typed in the name I’ve been waiting to type for so long. I typed their name and sent them a text.

Me: Hey…

Them: Hi..

Happy birthday

Me: Thank you…

T: When do you have time to talk? I need to talk to you.

M: Why?

T: Because I miss you and I wanna make things right with you.

I felt like I was out of my body. What is happening right now? This isn’t real. I wanted to scream at them, but I was also so happy. I called them later that night, and just straight up cried. “I’m so sorry.” I cried. “I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” We both cried and let out anger, but then after that, it was as if nothing happened. We were good. We didn’t go back to normal, but we were good.

I wish I could say that the days that followed were easy, but they weren’t. Not for me, at least. My brain was still working so hard. I was so confused and angry. I was an emotional wreck. I just didn’t know what to do. The best way I can put it is I was at war with myself. I just wanted it to go away. I didn’t like the way I was feeling and who I was becoming. Fast forward to Friday… I was still a mess, but I decided to pull it together enough to at least go see them. We decided to go to the mall, and as I went in, my heart started racing. Every instinct in me was telling me to RUN! “Run! Get out of here!” My head was screaming. After a few minutes of walking around, I spotted them. I practically ran the rest of the way to them, and that was the best hug I’ve ever gotten in years. I cried for a straight 5-10 minutes.

After what I consider the sweetest reunion ever, we had a day at the mall together! Of all the fun we had, we only managed to take one picture! I never thought in a million years I’d get a second chance, especially not from this person, so I’d like to take this moment to thank this person. You know who you are. 🙂

To My Best Friend,

I am so excited to have you back in my life. I’m so looking forward to all the new memories we’re going to make together. Thank you so much for giving me a second chance. I love you. ❤️