Infinite Lucy

So… I just had my 19th birthday. When I say that it was both the best and worst birthday ever, I’m not kidding. Here’s why…

It was the best birthday because someone from my past reached out to me. It was the worst birthday because someone from my past reached out to me. I never thought I’d ever hear from this person again. If you know me, you probably know about the friendship struggles I’ve had, and you probably know just how much time I spent trying to fix it, and trying to make it right.

I wrote what I was feeling. Here it is below:

“I am so confused. I have spent over two years trying to get over you. Trying to move on from you has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. At first it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I thought I would never be able to breathe again without you. I’ll admit, I still cry about you, and I remember the events of what happened as if they happened yesterday. I have felt the guilt for two years. The emotional pain that I felt was unbearable. It felt like physical pain. When I feel, I tend to feel things very deeply. After two years of trying to get you back, after trying to fix things the way I thought they should be fixed, you were not giving me the opportunity. You shut me down without even hearing what I had to say. So, after that, I did what I was taught to do. Move on.

But now, two years later, on my 19th birthday, you showed up. I was seriously not expecting that. I thought we were done and that was it. But you showed up, and it was like a literal smack upside the head. I had never felt so many emotions course through my body at one time. Anger, anxiety, relief, fear, happiness… everything. My head is telling me one thing, and my heart is telling me another.

My heart is saying, “Give them another chance. You’ve both grown a lot, and I think this could be a good thing, you’ve waited for this day for over two years. Go for it. Give them another chance.”

My head is going, “Wait! Wait! Wait a minute. Hold on. Are you serious? Let’s think about this. YOU JUST GOT OVER THEM! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! This is not gonna end well. It never does. Drop them before anything happens. Before you get hurt again!”

Needless to say, the emotion I’m feeling the most right now is confusion. I really don’t know what I should do. I honestly don’t.”

That’s it for me, I think. I love hearing from you guys. Let me know what you think. 🙂

Lucy