Infinite Lucy

Over the past few years, (two years I’d say), I’ve learned a lot of lessons, and a majority of those lessons have been big ones. They haven’t been easy either. I’d like to go into one of them in as much depth and detail as I can. I’d like to share my experience so that maybe I can help someone else, too.

“Life Is Not a Competition.”

What I mean by that, is that I used to think that life is a competition. Every relationship/friendship I had felt like a competition to me. For example, I would have friends who, when they didn’t pay attention to me, or if they didn’t pay ENOUGH attention to me, I would slip into this negative spiral of jealousy, and often times go to dramatic measures to get attention. I wanted them to like me, and I wanted them to pay attention to me. When it worked, when my dramatic and drastic behavior worked, it felt good, but it would only bring momentary relief, and then it would almost instantly bring pain, and remorse and guilt. I’d even have friends tell me, “Lucy, this is not a competition.” My response would be, “I’m not competing.” That would be my response because I couldn’t see it at the time. My friends saw what I wasn’t able to see. So, when they left because they’d had enough of my behavior, I felt isolated. I felt alone. I would have done anything to get them to stay. Again, I couldn’t see it, but looking back, in hindsight, I’m glad that they left, because I don’t think I would’ve been able to grow in to the person I am today if they had stayed. So, thank you, friends. 🙂

While I’ve done most of my transformation myself, I’d like to credit mindfulness meditation, and the Meditation & Sleep app, Calm. With the help of Calm, mindfulness meditation has helped me get up close and personal with issues that started from within. If it wasn’t for them, I definitely don’t think I’d be where I am today, let alone the person I am today. Thank you, Calm! 🙂

I am SO not the same person I was two years ago, and honestly I’m so glad I’m not. She taught me a lot, and I am so happy about the person I’m becoming. Life is awesome. I’m content and happy with where I am with life right now. 🙂

This has been the most emotionally and physically exhausting week of my life. I don’t think I’ve cried so much in my life. Actually, I don’t think I’ve cried so much in just a week. This is actually the first time I’ve been able to write from a place outside of myself and not get emotional. I have been a wide range of emotions this week. I’ve been confused, angry, happy… My brain has been all over the place.

Over the past 19 years, I’ve learned a lot of lessons, and I think the most important lesson I’ve learned so far is that you can’t trust just anyone. Everyone is indeed not your friend, and if you thought they were your friend, they are not. You need to move on and let go. What’s funny is I had the first two sentences of this paragraph typed up and ready to go on a different blog I was gonna post on my birthday, but that all went out the window as my world turned upside down. My brain had to rewire. It had to figure out how to make sense of what was happening, and no matter how hard my brain was churning, and its gears were turning, I really just couldn’t handle it.

Here’s what happened:

On my 19th birthday, a friend of mine texted and told me that someone had been trying to reach out to me. I knew exactly who it was, and I instantly felt sick. I have been waiting for this day for two-and-a-half years, and now it’s finally here. I swear I blacked out. Thoughts were coming at me a mile a minute. What do they want? Did they reach out just to mock me or make fun of me? I launched straight into an anxiety attack. I really wanted to talk to them, but I didn’t have anything to say. What do I say? I looked at the text from my friend for what felt like eternity. Hyperventilating and crying, I typed in the name I’ve been waiting to type for so long. I typed their name and sent them a text.

Me: Hey…

Them: Hi..

Happy birthday

Me: Thank you…

T: When do you have time to talk? I need to talk to you.

M: Why?

T: Because I miss you and I wanna make things right with you.

I felt like I was out of my body. What is happening right now? This isn’t real. I wanted to scream at them, but I was also so happy. I called them later that night, and just straight up cried. “I’m so sorry.” I cried. “I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” We both cried and let out anger, but then after that, it was as if nothing happened. We were good. We didn’t go back to normal, but we were good.

I wish I could say that the days that followed were easy, but they weren’t. Not for me, at least. My brain was still working so hard. I was so confused and angry. I was an emotional wreck. I just didn’t know what to do. The best way I can put it is I was at war with myself. I just wanted it to go away. I didn’t like the way I was feeling and who I was becoming. Fast forward to Friday… I was still a mess, but I decided to pull it together enough to at least go see them. We decided to go to the mall, and as I went in, my heart started racing. Every instinct in me was telling me to RUN! “Run! Get out of here!” My head was screaming. After a few minutes of walking around, I spotted them. I practically ran the rest of the way to them, and that was the best hug I’ve ever gotten in years. I cried for a straight 5-10 minutes.

After what I consider the sweetest reunion ever, we had a day at the mall together! Of all the fun we had, we only managed to take one picture! I never thought in a million years I’d get a second chance, especially not from this person, so I’d like to take this moment to thank this person. You know who you are. 🙂

To My Best Friend,

I am so excited to have you back in my life. I’m so looking forward to all the new memories we’re going to make together. Thank you so much for giving me a second chance. I love you. ❤️

So… I just had my 19th birthday. When I say that it was both the best and worst birthday ever, I’m not kidding. Here’s why…

It was the best birthday because someone from my past reached out to me. It was the worst birthday because someone from my past reached out to me. I never thought I’d ever hear from this person again. If you know me, you probably know about the friendship struggles I’ve had, and you probably know just how much time I spent trying to fix it, and trying to make it right.

I wrote what I was feeling. Here it is below:

“I am so confused. I have spent over two years trying to get over you. Trying to move on from you has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. At first it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I thought I would never be able to breathe again without you. I’ll admit, I still cry about you, and I remember the events of what happened as if they happened yesterday. I have felt the guilt for two years. The emotional pain that I felt was unbearable. It felt like physical pain. When I feel, I tend to feel things very deeply. After two years of trying to get you back, after trying to fix things the way I thought they should be fixed, you were not giving me the opportunity. You shut me down without even hearing what I had to say. So, after that, I did what I was taught to do. Move on.

But now, two years later, on my 19th birthday, you showed up. I was seriously not expecting that. I thought we were done and that was it. But you showed up, and it was like a literal smack upside the head. I had never felt so many emotions course through my body at one time. Anger, anxiety, relief, fear, happiness… everything. My head is telling me one thing, and my heart is telling me another.

My heart is saying, “Give them another chance. You’ve both grown a lot, and I think this could be a good thing, you’ve waited for this day for over two years. Go for it. Give them another chance.”

My head is going, “Wait! Wait! Wait a minute. Hold on. Are you serious? Let’s think about this. YOU JUST GOT OVER THEM! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! This is not gonna end well. It never does. Drop them before anything happens. Before you get hurt again!”

Needless to say, the emotion I’m feeling the most right now is confusion. I really don’t know what I should do. I honestly don’t.”

That’s it for me, I think. I love hearing from you guys. Let me know what you think. 🙂

Lucy

Hi! Welcome to my blog! If you’ve been here before, welcome back! If this is your first time here, welcome! I look forward to getting to know all of you. I haven’t blogged since I was 12, so it’s been a hot minute, but I’m so excited to get back into blogging! Also, I know that this website looks a little childish… that’s because it is! This website was made when I was 10, so if you’ve been here before, things are going to look a little different. I will be making changes, and making it reflect the 19 year-old that I now am. Yes, I just turned 19 on Sunday. Crazy, I know.

The main reason I wanted to get my blog up and running is because I love to write. Writing is an outlet for me. Writing helps me to process my thoughts, emotions and feelings, especially if I’m going through something and I need to get it out and make sense of it. It’s sort of like a catharsis for me. It provides a safe space to get my feelings out without judgement, and that’s my vision for this blog, is to have a safe place where I can write my experiences, thoughts, and feelings and not be judged for it.

I also wanted to get my blog up because I’m an aspiring writer and I’m hoping I can better my writing skills, even though they’re already pretty much perfect. 🙂

Lastly, I wanted to get my blog up again because a lot of people are curious about what I’ve been up to lately, so I thought it would be easiest to share my experiences in my life here. I want to be able to share the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of life with you.

I also love hearing from you! Feel free to comment, tell me who you are… or not. 🙂 You know, you can just stay incognito, that works, too! 🙂

That’s it for me! Thank you for being here. I really appreciate it. I’ll see you soon. 🙂